It’s that time of year when the days are getting shorter, it’s dark when you start work and again when you wrap up, the kids may be back in school and routines feel busier than ever, and depending on where you live it’s either super rainy or even starting to snow. Oh, and we’re approaching nine months of living with Covid here in Canada! I’m really starting this blog post off on a light note hey? Haha. But seriously, I thought it was time for a check-in.
No matter where you live, there’s a common thread amongst all couples and families: Everyone is spending more time together than ever before.
How has this affected relationships?
I interviewed therapist and counselling supervisor Ginger Henderson. Both a Registered and Master Therapeutic Counsellor, Ginger runs a counselling clinic in Victoria, BC, and has many years of experience specializing in couples, parenting, and grief and loss.
She is the local go-to relationship expert and I feel she is the perfect person to virtually sit-down with to learn some tools for couples and families as we continue to buckle down for the long haul of living with this ‘new normal’ of pandemic life.
Q: As a therapist and clinical counselling supervisor, what changes (if any) have you noticed since Covid hit?
A: Most significantly would be the amount of time couples are now spending together. It seems like most of the world is working at home. So we have partners at home, as well as kids at home, leaving ample opportunity for more disagreements or simple irritability to happen. Not having the space of 8 hours apart for work means we have to think more about our partner’s needs. Even something as easy as making a smoothie has to be timed properly! Frustration levels are up and understandably so. Couples fight, that’s normal and actually healthy! But spending all day together every day is not normal for us.
Q: With respecting your client confidentiality, what’s one of the most common reasons couples are seeking counselling since Covid hit here in March?
A: Honestly, I think Covid has allowed a lot of couples to reflect on their relationship and think about what another intense lockdown might mean. This has left some couples to evaluate whether their partner is somebody they want to continue having a life with. I am aware this sounds really intense, but it is the common theme I am hearing. We are all looking at life now in terms of restrictions. If we are not travelling, not having the ability to socialize like we do, and we are in a relationship that isn’t meeting our needs, it is leading to a lot of “now what” conversations! I think these are such important conversations, because Covid or not, we need to be consistently evaluating our needs in our relationships. Aside from this, I am also having many couples needing to learn better coping strategies when irritabilities are high. Again, we are spending an unnatural amount of time with our partners, so how do we handle intense irritability when we have no place to go?
Q: What do you recommend couples do when they aren’t seeing eye to eye with one another when it comes to decision making and risk tolerance with Covid?
A: This is definitely a tricky subject and one I find myself discussing on a regular basis lately. One of the things I like to address when this comes up is each partner’s feelings about their voice in other aspects of the relationship. For example, if one partner feels like they never have a voice, being told what to do in regards to their health may be a trigger for them. I would first address this and then ask the couple to share their concerns with their partner regarding how they want to proceed with safety protocols. Couples need to be mindful that the hope of these conversations is to come out with a compromise. I encourage each partner to repeat what they are wanting to each other. So for example “what I am hearing you say is you would like to have me wear a mask when I am indoors, and this is why this is important to you.” This style of repeating our partner’s perception helps to show them that we are hearing them, but to also gain perspective ourselves as to what it is they are wanting us to do. When we converse this way back-and-forth we are able to really understand each other‘s perspectives. While I can’t tell clients what to do, if a compromise isn’t looking possible, then we simply must follow the protocols set out for us by the health authorities.
Q: Are there tips you can provide couples for when in-laws or extended families are the source of debate in a relationship?
A: This is connected closely to the above question and I think again I would like couples to work towards what a compromise would look like. Sharing our concerns and wishes is the beginning of healthy conversation. This is such a difficult time for families and I do believe that connection is extremely important for getting us all through this pandemic. So when there is a debate, we need to be looking at safety first, then how can we continue those connections while respecting each partner’s idea of safety? I would encourage couples to balance safety with empathy, so yes we don’t want to cause harm, but what is the impact on our partner if they aren’t seeing their elderly mother? Again, how can we compassionately comprise?
Q: What are some daily/weekly/monthly tools or exercises couples can do or practice that can help with relationship stressors?
A: I have such a variety of strategies and homework exercises that I give my clients but I will try to narrow it down to a few, for the purpose of this interview:
– First and foremost we must work hard to connect to our own self-awareness, understanding our own triggers and why they are there is the foundation of being a good partner.
– I encourage my couples to check in with each other on a Sunday and Wednesday schedule. Sunday being the more lengthy check-in, where we go over what needs we have had in the past week that may have been overlooked, we discuss what has been good about the week behind us, and what we are needing for the week ahead to go smoothly. Each partner takes time expressing this while the other partner is silent or writing down notes regarding what their partner is expressing. Then on Wednesday we do a quick check-in just to see how things are going in regards to what was set up on Sunday. I find the couples that stick to this schedule consistently show the most signs of relationship improvement and success.
– The other strategy I would like to share is the ability to pause during conflict. This is such a significant sign of self-regulation when we can feel ourselves becoming upset and still express a plan to pause from the conversation. Once a partner has expressed a need for a pause, I teach my couples how to remove themselves from the room and write to the spouse regarding how they are feeling what they are thinking and what they need from their partner in order to feel better. After a timed pause, for example 15 minutes, we can then return to the conversation and share what we have written down. This seems daunting, however many of my clients find it to be one of their favourite tools when conflict arises.
Q: What’s the biggest thing you want couples who are struggling to know?
A: I would like them to first understand that their partner is on their side. We need to be looking at each other as a team, not as the enemy. We must remember that they want the same outcome that we do. Most importantly, there is help out there and you don’t need to wait for a catastrophe in order to come in for couples therapy. It is a wonderful place to have somebody guide you towards the type of communication skills and behaviour patterns that you both are most likely striving for.
Q: Where can couples look for help as a next step? What are some resources you can share?
A: They can contact me through my website and I can connect them to either myself or one of the counsellors on my team who works with couples. I also highly recommend the book 7 principles of making a marriage work, by John Gottman. I encourage my couples to read this together.
Q: What kind of services do you and your team offer?
A: Myself and my team of five wonderful counsellors are available to anyone needing support. There is often one or more of us in the office seven days a week, and evening appointments are also available. Once a week we put on a drop in clinic where new clients can come in without an appointment! This has been a great asset to the community and we welcome couples, parents, teens, families, and anyone who wants to come and try therapy. We strive to make therapy relaxed, available, and sometimes it’s even fun!
To connect with Ginger and learn more about her and her team’s services, you can visit her website here!